“The fact is, I’m not sure how much longer I have,” Dame Deborah James admits.
The Sun columnist said she wanted to offer an update two weeks after revealing she’s getting end-of-life care in a quick chat yesterday.
“I don’t feel like I’m on my deathbed,” the 40-year-old says, adding that she’s “exhausted.”
“I have no intention of dying anytime soon, but life is so unpredictable.”
“I’m afraid of falling asleep, which is one of the main reasons I’m so exhausted.” I’m afraid of falling asleep.”
At her parents’ house in Woking, Surrey, Dame Debs is being cared for by a hospice team and her family.
Debs replies it’s more discomfort than pain when I inquire whether she’s in agony, adding that she had some severe stomach problems over the weekend.
“It’s ironic, because I’ve spent the previous five years busting the poo taboo,” she says.
“It’s typical that I have a s*** stomach right now.”
“I think my family is exhausted; they have all been great in looking after and nursing me.”
“In the last two weeks, I’ve seen true love, profound affection from them.” It’s exhausting.
“They’ve all been incredible.”
“I understand the burden they’re under right now; I can’t do anything without their aid.”
The 40-year-old admitted that she has good days and terrible days, but that she is doing everything she can to protect her children, Eloise, 12, and Hugo, 14, from experiencing her darkest moments.
“I strongly believe that I do not want my children to see me irritated and distressed,” she says.
“I want them to notice me when I’m having a good day.”
Her desire to protect her children is evident, and it stems from witnessing her grandparents’ illness.
She acknowledges, “They weren’t happy recollections for me.” “That is not something I want for my children.”
“I’d like for kids to have pleasant recollections.”
“I don’t want them to have to care for me or massage my legs because I’m unable to walk.” That would be heartbreaking.”
RAISE AWARENESS
The cancer activist hasn’t stopped since releasing her tragic news, and she shows no signs of stopping down.
She explains, “I just think the more awareness I can help generate, the better.”
“Hopefully, I’ll be able to get a few things done this week.”
Given what she’s accomplished in a few of days, this shouldn’t be surprising.
She’s raised a whopping £6.4 million for her BowelBabe Fund, received a Damehood, and even invited Prince William to tea.
Then followed the publication of her second book, which shot to the top of the Amazon book charts, as well as a sold-out charity T-shirt and a rose named after her.
“It’s ridiculous, utterly crazy,” she says, reflecting on the outpouring of love. It’s hard for me to believe.
“It’s all a nice distraction, and it keeps my mind from thinking about dying.”
Deborah has raised millions of dollars for cancer research in the hopes of one day finding a cure.
She said, “I’d love to see the Fund reach £7 million.”
“I’ve been overwhelmed by everyone’s kindness, whether it’s through donations, pre-ordering my book, purchasing a T-shirt, or purchasing a rose – it’s all for the Fund.”
Another great plus from the last two weeks is the deluge of letters sent to Debs at her parents’ house.
Strangers have made creative guesses, addressing their letters to ‘Dame Debs, staying with her folks somewhere in Woking,’ while others have pleaded with Royal Mail to ‘attempt to deliver’.
Debs laughs as she tells me, “All the mail I’m getting is hilarious, seeing how people are addressing their letters.”
“It makes me happy; they’re a lot of fun.” We’re going through them all.”
At such a perilous moment, it’s a nice relief.
“The worst part is not knowing how much longer I have,” she says.
I was given a week or so when I was released home from the hospital.
“It’s only been two weeks, so it’s not that long.” It’s just so unpredictably unpredictable.”
NO STRAIGHT ANSWER
Deborah, ever the journalist, says she asks her hospice team all the time, “How will I know when it’s time?”
The awful truth is that there is no simple solution.
“I need to know when I need to pick up my kids from school and say goodbye,” she says.
“It’s not that simple.” It’s like giving birth, in that it’s difficult to foresee.
“Some people may talk one minute and then disappear the next.
“Some people fall unconscious for days, while others require more and more sedation as time goes on.”
“For as long as I can, I want to be with it and conscious of everything around me.”
“However, I have told my hospice team that I would welcome being drugged when the time comes.”
For the time being, the focus is on managing Deborah’s symptoms and keeping her as comfortable as possible.
“I was on seven different antibiotics when I left the hospital two weeks ago,” she continues.
“Right now, I’m not taking any antibiotics, so a lot is up to chance.”
“The biggest danger is sepsis, and we already know where it will lead.
“Right now, I’m just trying to relax; I don’t think I’ll be able to do much more.”
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